My journal days from in-patient rehab.

DAY 4, 5 &6

So, as you read, my first 3 days in rehab were awful. But were they awful because of my attitude or for other reasons? 
Things that you have to remember with an addict.....They are use to being selfish. There was a very slim chance that I would rarely put something else before alcohol. So now, I'm living with rules and being cooped up with so many other people I didn't want to be around. 

Let's go ahead and dive into the next three days of me feeling sorry for myself. LOL

Day 4: I think that I got family day all figured out. Saturday will hopefully be great. My daughter, son-in law and 3 of my grandchildren are going to come and visit me. I already got some letters from my grandkids and my daughter. My sister was actually in KC today so she brought and dropped me off some things. Shes the best sister in the world. I cried for hours because they wouldn't let me see her. But, you know, she could have brought me a keg of beer for me to stash in my pocket or a couple cases of beer. Really retarded. I wanted to hug her so badly. I really need a hug and some reassurance right now. The last time I felt this cooped up was when I was just hiding in my closet when dad was beating on mom. I know God is hugging me but I wished I could feel it. I'm so lonely. I don't even like people, but I feel so lonely. I think I made a mistake coming here. Wish I just would have died before they had a chance to admit me to the suicide unit.

Day 5: I didn't know when I packed to come here how hot it would actually be. Here it is JULY and I packed like I was moving to Antarctica! I packed 4 pairs of sweats, a jacket and only LONG socks. So ignorant. It's like 107 degrees outside and all these chicks around here dress like they're about to go on stage at the local tramp club. Thank God I got to shop online last night at Walmart from my phone at phone time. Another thing the employees didn't tell me! So apparently at phone time between 6-7pm, You can shop local here and get it delivered the next day and it get's delivered to your case worker. I've been here 5 days and haven't even met my case worker yet. This place is horrible and NOT organized, but I was excited to get the package I ordered. I got a pair of Reebok slides, some gym clothes and a nice tank top that dont show my boobs to all the other guys. They also have a hair stylist who comes every Tuesday, so I also signed up to get my hair trimmed. Hopefully that will make me feel better. I doubt it! The workers here suck and don't care a crap about you.

Day 6: Dear Lord please help me. This place is like high school all over again. I don't know if I have the strength to do this. For 6 days I have sat at breakfast alone, lunch alone and dinner alone. I know it's a silly thing Lord but it's just one more time in my life where I'm not accepted by others. Please help me to focus on myself rather than silly things that don't matter. I'm asking you for strength! I need to be brave but sitting there all alone while others laugh and talk in their clicks. I need you now more than ever. Lord Im asking you to wrap your arms around these people and show them what they are here for! Thank you Jesus Amen. 
I finally got to meet my therapist today. Wow, shes a KooKy one. She used to work with only children like the past 15 years, but just got her license so she can be a therapist to adults. I'm pretty sure she needs to see a therapist, not be a therapist. She has set up another session with me tomorrow. Should be interesting. I'm so mad because some of the other women here get treated differently. Half of them never show up to the classes that we have to be at. O yeah, so we have to sign a paper at the beginning at every class to prove we were present for our insurance company or it wont be paid for. But there are 3 ladies here that never show up to classes and just hang out in their room all day. I don't understand but again that's why they will just end right back up in here. Ugh, why is this girl always wearing cut off spandex that shows her taco? I need to be nice. Dear Lord help me be nicer.

Thank you for reading my blog,
See you tomorrow on my next 3 days of rehab.

xoxoxo, Michelle Neal

DAY 7, 8 & 9

Day 7 : I really don't want to go to gym this morning cause I didn't sleep at all with bad dreams and insomnia. Ms hateful worker has pounded on my door to get up 2 times and the 3rd time she barged in yelling at me. I need to turn half these assholes in because they have an authority big head. I dare anyone to ever put a hand on me. They won't fix my meds yet and I know they need fixed. Just ready for phone time tonight. I've been here 7 days and when I get my phone it's fun to see who has text me when I turn on my phone. Dave has never even sent me one text first. And when I do text him, he doesn't text for very long. He's being weird. Better not be cheating. I'm really tired of hearing Chlamydia Karen talk about everyone she sleeps with and OMG did I know she was a stripper?!?! Dear God help me block her mouth from my ears. There isn't enough space in this place. I do pray that she gets the help she needs here but she isn't serious only serious about hooking up with the married guy on floor 2. They are cooking Salmon and this whole place smells like a fish market I'm not eating today! Get me outta here!!!

Day 8: My nightmares came back last night in full force. So scary so bad. Why are they always about demons? This has to go away. Going to gym yay me. This day has been bad. I can't stop crying because of my nightmares. This demon is torturing me. Yelling and screaming in my face. This place used to be a nun convent. There are some bad stories about what happened here. If a nun comes at me I'm going to throat punch her. I'm sure my roomie will help me with that. I'm blessed to have such a nice roommate to talk with. Hope I can get through this day. Med nurse finally came to see me, she increased my anxiety meds to 3 a day instead of 1. Plus she has put me on a nightmare medication. I hope it works I will see. I just got back from AA class and I'm getting better at talking in group. So many people here don't believe in God because they like to blame him for the way their life is but they are the only ones who made the choices that they made. 

Day 9: Today at Star it's been pretty entertaining. The drama here is out of control with the other residents. It's so irritating to try and focus on being here to heal when it's an everyday soap opera. I didn't want to go see the horses today. I don't feel good. And they are forcing me to go. Only a couple girls here are allowed to never show up to horses. It's so hot outside and I still just stand there and watch the horse hoggers. Maybe someone will get kicked today. It would be all worth going. I really miss naps so much. I try to like this place so  much. These people make you want to drink. Everyday it seems lately, 1 person has been leaving this place from how they are treated and because how much trouble the other residents cause. I've taken back my passion for reading so every chance I get that's what I've been doing in my spare time, which is very limited. Overall it was a good day. I haven't missed 1 class, or 1 AA. I bet no one else here has ever done that. I'm awesome.

Thank you for reading my blog,
See you Monday on my next 3 days of rehab.

xoxoxo, Michelle Neal

DAY 10, 11 & 12

Day 10 : It was NOT a good day today. A went to all classes and AA. I've been reading a lot in my spare time and it's so nice to be back into reading again instead of drinking all the time. I'm reading Twilight the 1st book hahaha. I made it to chapter 8 already. I've seen the movies 1000s of times but I'm really enjoying reading it. Me and my roommate talked for awhile before bed and it was nice. There was a fire alarm today around 10am and I was in the shower as it went off. A worker, "Leah" the one who is always mean to me, would not let me get dressed to go outside. So I had to wrap a towel around me and go outside NAKED with just a towel around me in front of all the workers, Male residents and female residents. I was humiliated! I'm sure that has to be illegal in some sense. Some of the girl residents were wrapping blankets around me to make me feel better. You know this place really needs some fixing. I wouldn't treat my cat that way.

Day 11: It was a good day. I went to all classes which I always do and AA. Bedtime is nice. I really like visiting with my roommate at bedtime. She is so nice and easy to talk to. But!!!! I have been snoring SOOOO bad since I started on this nightmare medication LOL I keep waking up my roommate and she literally has to get out of bed to wake me up to turn over. Then around 5:30 am, I had a horrible nightmare. This demon walked to my bed and was shaking my bed furiously. Taunting me, yelling at me. I was so scared and was yelling in my dream so loud, I woke myself up screaming. I thought I was awake when it was happening, but I was asleep. I also woke up my roommate screaming. I feel so bad for her either waking her up each night from snoring or screaming LOL. Other than that. We do yoga every other Sunday. The yoga lady is nice and the yoga is harder than I thought it would be. But she comes around the room when you're laying on your back and she rubs lavender on your temples and it feels so good. I've also been walking on the treadmill and doing stretches in gym.

Day 12: Today I tried my best to not focus on the trouble makers around here, but instead praying for them in private. We are all here because of an addiction and I'm no better than any other person here. Just have to keep in my mind that we all have different mental struggles and I notice how hateful I can be with my thinking. It's my final chance to get my life right or I'm going to end up dead in a ditch or come up missing like mom. I have to see it as God strengthening me to handle better how to be around others that I don't agree completely with. Need to pray more for myself.

Thank you for reading my blog,
See you Monday on my next 3 days of rehab.

xoxoxo, Michelle Neal

DAY 13, 14 & 15

Day 13 : Today a young kid came in all messed up. He said that he was on fentanyl. He was flying off at the mouth saying ruse things to me and all I was doing was sitting in the rec room minding my own business reading. He hurt my feelings but just a young, dumb kid. He won;t be here long anyway I bet. I really can't wait until Tue and Wed because a couple of the girls I don't really like are going home. They are a couple of the horse hoggers. Plus, one of them talks down on everyone else here always saying how she makes so much more money than everyone else and everyone else is pretty much scrubs. Just go to your room and put on more fake eyelashes. No one cares how much money you supposedly make. I'm just going to try and focus on myself because that's a full time job by itself. I'm just really annoyed with these girls and it makes it so hard having to live with all these people.

Day 14: Today we are supposed to have a movie day. We get to watch "The Pilot" with Denzel Weshington. I heard it's good. I just got out of Seth's class. And I just don't understand where they get their counselors from. He makes us watch the same video over and over from YouTube and I swear it's from 1949. This old priest talks about alcoholism for hours. This old man isn't even alive anymore. We shouldn't have to watch catholic things if others here don't have to believe in God, but a scientific way of being sober out of a book. This place is so dumb.

Day 15: Few residents here believe in God. And that's okay, but I make sure everyday to thank God. In the mornings everyone is supposed to fill out a wellness form and at the bottom we have to listen 3 things we are thankful for and everyday I write God in the number 1 slot. I don't understand the whole AA thing, because half the people don't believe in God, but only the scientific version, but at the end of every AA clas, we get in a circle, put our arms around each other and say The Lord's Prayer. How does that make any sense? O well. 

Thank you for reading my blog,
See you tomorrow on my next 3 days of rehab.

xoxoxo, Michelle Neal

DAY 16, 17 & 18

So as you can see in reading my journal so far, my attitude has changed and I'm getting nicer towards others. I'm also getting my relationship back with the Lord. Not saying I'm still going to have bad days. It was just VERY difficult being around other addicts 24 hours a day. So in saying that. Now I was understanding how my family felt to be around me when I was drunk.

Day 16 : This place just annoys me. It's like being in High school all over again with the drama and little clicks. It's just these two girls here and the way they act just really gets down my spine. I shouldn't care, but it's hard when I'm living with them. I just hope they stay sober when they leave here because I do know that they both travel for work and stay in hotels A LOT. That's a very lonely time and very extra amount of time on your hands to drink.

Day 17:  Today was a pretty good day. It was Jocelyn's coin ceremony and she leaves in the morning so Forest is taking over the AA meetings. Tonight is the 2nd night taking my upped dosages of nightmare meds. She has upped it 2 times now. I really don't like how it makes me feel. It makes me feel stoned and it makes me look like I'm stoned. But it keeps the nightmares away sometimes. The Dr said that it's just my body getting used to the meds because they've had to up my dosages on everything. I found out today that my go home date is supposed to be at the end of August. And it seems forever away from today but I know without a doubt that I need more therapy before I leave here.

Day 18: Today I am 24 days sober. I honestly don't remember how long it's been since I've went this long without drinking. Small therapy went pretty lame. Amanda the therapist is very hateful to people she's not their regular therapist.  She talks to people like they are lesser than she is. Tonight was movie night and I didn't go. I swear, it's only a time where the girls sit by their favorite boys. Am I in 4th grade again? Movie nights are getting out of control. I usually go get popcorn and come back here to my room to read. Half the people here will relapse the 1st week they go home.

Thank you for reading my blog,
See you tomorrow on my next 3 days of rehab.

xoxoxo, Michelle Neal

DAY 19, 20 & 21

DAY 22, 23 & 24

If you have made it this far through my rehab journal, I'd like to personally thank you for sticking around with me. I appreciate the support more than you know!

Day 22 : Today we have 3 different residents leaving the facility. (Not mentioning their names here) All men. I always hate to try figuring out what to say to people in their coin ceremony because I don't know any of these people that well. At coin ceremonies, we all pass their graduation coin around the room and take turns saying something nice to them. Let's see what I come up with. I hope it's okay.

Day 23:  Ok, so this day, I'm not going to add it to my webpage. It's very personal about my marriage. And going back to work if I do happen to go back home. Everywhere I can get a job at where I live at served alcohol. Plus, things weren't good at home. So I was very confused at this point in rehab.

Day 24: For the most part everyone here has been nice. The night BHT's are a lot more lenient that the night BHT's I have made a list of the worker's who have treated me good for my review when I leave here. The workers who treated me badly won't be in my review. If they get their name placed in Google review that's from a verified user then they get a $50 visa card. As for any company, the workers here always pick out their favorite residents and give them special treatment or let them break the rules. 

Thank you for reading my blog,
See you tomorrow on my next 3 days of rehab.

xoxoxo, Michelle Neal

DAY 25, 26 & 27

Day 25 : Another movie night. This place just annoys me. It was supposed to be only Friday nights a movie. Just being around all these flirty girls in here makes it tough to concentrate on healing myself. On the bright side, I feel so much better now that I think all my meds are fixed. I've been reading everyday and I love it so much. 

Day 26:  When I first got here there were only 19 residents. Now there are 40! My roommate has been a blessing to talk to everyday. We get to chat about other people and the crazy things that go on here. We get along real good. She is also married and has kids. I have grandkids, so we both love kids lol. The lady who is across the hall from us is also a Nana like me. I got to meet her little one back on family day and it was the cutest little baby. She is a really nice lady. She sticks to herself and I sit with her in one of our classes and I sit with her in the lunch room. She is really funny and I like her.

Day 27: 

On our downtime here all of us girls whether we get along or not, we like to paint our nails. There are only 2 of the little gel machines that dry the polish and you can only ever find 1 of them because it's always in on of the lady's rooms hidden. But it's nice to have my nails painted sometimes. Some of the girls here crack me up cause they do their makeup and eyelashes and their eyelashes look like caterpillars are glued to their eyes. But if that makes them feel better then that's good for them. You have to do something in this place to make yourself feel better around here. I have one on one therapy tomorrow with my therapist who is a little bit of a lunatic. lol we will see how that goes.

Thank you for reading my blog,
See you tomorrow on my next 3 days of rehab.

xoxoxo, Michelle Neal

DAY 28, 29 & 30

Day 28 : So I met with my therapist earlier today. I guess I've like her pretty well. She always forgets her laptop and her notes though so she gets me confused with her other clients. She will say weird things like, "So tell me more about this or that", and I always say, you're talking about someone else. I don't have kids who live at home. I don't know if she should be allowed to have a license lol but it's hard to  not like her. She is super goofy and we make each other laugh. We aren't allowed to keep in contact with our therapists when we leave here, but it actually would be nice to be able to reach out and say hey at some point.

Day 29:  Guess what? Another movie night. Some amazing time to get more reading time in. I've read 2 books already and been looking a lot of my extra time on the bookshelves for another book to read. It's been a great way to get  my mind off the other girls here who annoy me. Movie nights are a fun way for the other residents to chill and take their minds off things, I just don't think some of the girls should be cuddled up with some of the guys down there. Another reason I don't like to go.

Day 30: I really don't know why I'm so hateful about so many of the people that are here. Living with 40 people isn't easy lol. It's funny because you see people when they 1st come in, they seem serious about changing their life, but then they get to hanging around with the wrong residents here and their attitude completely change within a week. You can see them completely change who they are over night and their commitment to wanting to change their life. It's sad because I hope they are not right back in here or end up dead because I can't believe how many people are in here for taking Fentanyl. I'm almost out of here! Wow 30 days in rehab so far, plus I was in the hospital for detox for almost 5 days. My life will be great when I get out of here.

Thank you for reading my blog,
See you tomorrow on my next 3 days of rehab.

xoxoxo, Michelle Neal